don't knock it, I couldn't find the real one to scan in

Homepage of Michael Smith
<aa529@chebucto.ns.ca>

Back when "Information Superhighway" was being passed around like a communal joint, with O.J. Simpson just barely in our grasp, like a roll of toilet paper about 2.54 cm too far away, the Internet looked like this. Dull, ugly and gray. Nothing to hide behind, nothing to brag about. Kind of like a frozen chicken but not as edible (unless, like me, you think of sculptures whenever you see 3D gray buttons, and, like me, you like to eat clay).

So yeah, it wasn't great. But this year I refuse to think up a new color scheme. I'm not from California; I don't need to reinvent myself every six months to fit in (although it might help). I used to have a nice homepage, cool background, some people even liked it. If you want, you can still visit Schmitt's World -- I moved it to Geocities to save space -- but it hasn't been updated since December 1996. Call it boredom & despair if you want, but in protest, this page is pure retro.

No backgrounds, no tables, no frames, no animated or transparent GIFs 'cause no one knew how to make them. Most of all, no CraptiveX, Java or JavaScript. If it didn't show up in Netscape 1.0, you won't find it here. (This means you, <BLINK>.) And in the style of kewl 1994 net.teenage lamer homepages, the whole thing is ONE BIG PAGE. With lists of broken links and all that crap. So read on if you're bored and you suck.

About me

[Purple, not wearing a hat]

I'm the "strange one", the "one who sits _under_ the desks", the "one who for some reason always looks stoned (but probably isn't)", the "one whose thumbs bend both ways" [we'll take over the world!!! -qv], the "one who is wearing plaid today". I can be reached at aa529@chebucto.ns.ca.

Hobbies include Linux, eating chocolate bars, Novell, trying to overdose on tea, DSP, sniffing non-toxic glue "just to make sure", writing Windows apps (this is related to the glue-sniffing), and making "yo mama" jokes to complete strangers until someone beats me up.

Suggestions for making people think you're always "under the influence" include:

Bands that don't suck include:

Bands that do suck include:

More crappy nostalgia

Yeah, if anyone really wants to hear what the Internet was like back when we had to piss in a can, go up to someone with influenza and make sure they cough on you a few times. That has nothing to do with the Internet -- it's just that you're obviously a very bored person, and you would do well to take some risks, like being a psycho clown slash trapeze artist, or selling pornography in Singapore. At least then you'd have some interesting stories to tell.

Ascii fish

Sorry, you'll have to email me if you want to see the ascii fish. Eventually I may get some krazy stick figures up here (GIFs only), but no promises.

Gall Bladder of Shame

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Resume

Yeah, I do have one, but you'll have to mail me for it.

List of Links

People

Places

Linux

Fish.c

Stuff

Disclaimer

A lot of people on USENET used to have signatures like: 

/*  Robert Smut <rsmut@is.bland.com>              */
/*  Sysadmin, BlandCo Automotive Pus Corporation  */
#include <stddisclaim.h>

And everybody understood what it meant, too.





Copyright 1998 the Reverend Lord Right Honourable Crack Dealer Michael T. Smith, esq.

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