What is presented here is sure to be
Interspersed throughout are various quotes and
DOS Error Messages
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows...
but I am trying.
LONGJOHN OPERATING SYSTEM:
You can't leave the fly open because
it's a security hole for viruses.
- Thou shalt have no other operating systems before me.
- Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven icon of a non-DOS system.
- Thou shalt not take the name of DOS, thy almighty, in vain.
- Remember the DOS 1.0 day, to keep it holy.
- Honour thy CONFIG.sys and thy AUTOEXEC.bat.
- Thou shalt not kill non-DOS users despite their folly.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery by having an affair with another operating system.
- Thou shalt not steal copyrighted software. Don't copy that floppy! Don't Facsimile that CD!
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against inferior operating systems. It is unnecessary.
- Thou shalt not covet a superior operating system -- there are none!.
Canadian DOS Prompt: C:\ Eh? >
American DOS Prompt: C:\ Huh? >
For what does "MS-DOS" stand?
Microsoft Disc-Continued Operating System
Add These to Your Vocabulary
Microsoft gave you Windows --
OS/2 gave you the Whole House.
- Keyboard Failure: Press F1 to Continue.
- Bad Command or File Name: Go to Your Room!
- No File Handles: Consult HARDWARE.doc.
- COMMAND.com not Found: Should I Fake it? (Y/N)
- Syntax Error: User only at GUI Intelligence Level.
- Must Specify Destination: Start TRAVELAGENT.exe? (Y/N)
- Out of Memory: Run ALZHEIMER.com? (Y/N)
- PARLIAMENT.sys Corrupted: Reinstall Ottawa? (Y/N)
- BREAKFAST.exe Failure: No Response from Cereal Port.
- Missing/Corrupted REALITY.sys. Universe Halted. Run BIG-BANG 2.0?
A Computer System's Attention Span
is Only as Long as its Power Cord.
UNIX Air Transport
The grandfather of the industry, Unix Air Transport has remained a stable company throughout the decades and has been able to cover the planet with a world-wide network of airport terminals. High security has meant no Unix planes have ever experienced a hijacking. Other airlines often interact with this airline's flyways during inter-country flights.
Passengers are given a manual to handle the planes themselves, and
must learn it fully in order to fly on UNIX planes. Remaining little
known to the general public, UNIX Air Transport often carries
the freight of rival airlines.
Only one person interfaces between the passengers and the baggage check-in, ticket seller, flight attendants and pilots. Passengers must use this person to interact with all the others. No matter which employees are encountered, they all look and act the same as the others.
Ground crew are invisible to users of this airline. If you ask for details about operations, you are gently, but firmly, told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be handled for you without you ever having to know.
Some years ago, Aero Apple abandoned its own runways and fuel so
that it could use those of other Operating System air companies. Also,
Aero Apple now has two employees to interface with the public.
Airport terminal, luggage check-in, and ticket services are plain but run smoothly and quickly. No employees ever talk back to the passengers, and rarely deny any requests. Unfortunately, some detrimental requests are obeyed without question, even if they might destroy the passenger's luggage.
Although DOS Air has simple, workhorse aircraft, they fly faster and farther than those of other airlines for the same amount of fuel. Flights are never delayed or cancelled. Upon request, there are decorative overlays available at extra charge that can cover all the plainness with pretty facades.
However, passengers must check and load their own luggage, issue and
take their own tickets, handle boarding and ground operations, and direct
air traffic. Passengers must fly the planes themselves as well, and they
have to learn how the instruments and controls work in order to do so. Once
all this is done though, passengers can train the system to do it all for
them by itself, but they must partially retrain it whenever the destination
At first, Windows Air used DOS Air employees to do the actual work, all the while presenting to the passengers a bright and inviting terminal, friendly flight attendants, fairly easy baggage checks and boarding procedures, but a laboured flight because of having to answer many "Yes or No" questions during their time in the air. This airline now has its own employees, save for the odd DOS Air one still under contract.
During some flights, the entire cabin interior turns blue and neither flight attendants nor crew can be summoned. Passengers have to then abandon the current trip and start all over again. Windows Air has constant problems with hijackers, although these can be lessened -- but only for great expense and time on the part of the passenger.
With their newer planes, after about an hour in the air, just the
on-board video screens turn blue -- but the plane explodes for no apparent
cause. Should the aircraft have a crash landing, each passenger is asked
"Are You Sure?" before an emergency door will open and a slide deploys.
Windows Vista Air
Although now out of business, it was similar to the older Windows Air, but Vista Air cost more. It used much larger aircraft that carried a lot of superfluous cargo, flew much slower, and used a great deal more fuel than the planes of other airlines. Security screening was a nightmare with endless questions and invasive body cavity searches.
Once in the air, all extras were charged for. Meals were good but it took them a long time to be prepared and served. To use the washroom, a special code had to be entered, followed by choosing among more of those "Yes or No" selections. As well, flight attendants constantly checked your tickets and vouchers to see if they were official Windows Air ones. If not, your flight was immediately terminated even if over an ocean.
Disembarking the plane required completion of a minimum of four sides of
a Rubik's Cube, a long walk down a labyrinth of corridors and a wait at the
end even though no one else was in line. As with Windows Air,
Vista planes sometimes exploded, but also destroyed all other
aircraft within a 15-kilometre radius.
This European air company was started by ex-employees of UNIX Air Transport and staffed by disillusioned workers of other Operating System airlines. It builds its own terminals and manufactures its own planes but does not entirely complete the interiors. To reduce costs, it uses the same runways and fuel as that of most of the other airlines. This allows those other users to land at a Linuxtansa airport to peruse its terminals at their leisure with no increased cost.
Linuxtansa charges to print tickets, but users can also print their own with no repercussions. When passengers board a plane, a free toolkit is issued so that they can hook up the cockpit gauges and controls, and complete the interior to individual tastes. Once done, the experience is comfortable, the plane flies on schedule with minimal problems, and provides food, magazines and entertainment at no charge.
Employees and passengers experienced with Linuxtansa attempt to promote the great flights and services to the customers of competing airlines, but all the others can say is, "You had to use a toolkit?"
The Newest Screen-Saver:
Curtains for Windows
In most ways, the TUI (Text User Interface)
is far more efficient and faster to use than
the GUI (Graphic user Interface). Here are
some analogies to show that.
Let's say you are on Channel 3 and wish to go to Channel 29. With the GUI remote, you must first push a button to get a menu of channels, then push the `Up' button to move past 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 and finally to Channel 29.
In the GUI Restaurant you are not allowed to speak to the waiter. You go in, sit down and the waiter places a menu in front of you on which there are three images: one of Breakfast, one of Lunch, and one of Supper. It's noon time so you place your finger at the top of the menu where you must run it past "Breakfast" to get to the "Lunch" picture. You tap it twice.
At this point, the waiter opens a lunch menu and places it on top of the first. You place your finger at the top of that menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Hamburger". You tap once.
At this point, the waiter opens a third menu and lays it on top of the first two. This one has everything that one might want on the burger. You place your finger at the top of the menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Cheese". You tap once. You then run your finger past some more stuff you don't want to tap on "Relish". You tap some more to signal to the waiter that you have finished selecting.
At this point, the waiter removes the third menu and you notice that there is a picture at the bottom of the second menu representing Beverages. You tap on it and the waiter places a mini menu on top of the second menu. It depicts various beverages. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Juices". You tap on it and yet another menu is placed on top of the beverage menu showing the various juices available. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the beverages you don't want until you get to say, "Orange Juice". Now, yet another menu is placed on top of this one with pictures showing the various sizes. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the sizes you don't want until you get to say, "Large".
Finally, you then tap on the waiter to fold & remove the table full of menus. You eventually get your order.
Say to the waiter: "Cheeseburger with Relish, and a large Orange Juice". It arrives immediately. (-:
It said: "Insert Disk 3",
but only two would fit.
Here are Some General Put-Downs
of the Windows Operating System.
The colourful clown suit for DOS.
Did you know that "Windows" is actually an acronym? Few realise that
it should be shown as:
"W.I.N.D.O.W.S." This stands for "Windows Is Not DOS -- Only Works Sometimes". (-:
A Current Linux user says:
I miss Windows...
but my Aim is Improving!
Windows Error Message:
Windows has Encountered an Error.
Press the FU Key.
Windows: A 64-bit revamping of a 32-bit extension
and graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating
system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor written
by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Insert Wallet into Drive D;
Press any Key to Empty.
Here is the transcript of a live-audience reading by
comedian Les Barker. It was likely performed in The
United Kingdom. Please be aware that a few words may not be
accurate because it was hard to make out the dialogue at times.
Afterward is a YouTube audio link to one of Les' performances.
I bought a computer.
It cost a thousand pound,
But every time I switch it on,
It keeps on falling down.
I used to think it was my friend,
But now it drives me 'round the bend.
You'd be surprised the time I spend:
I switch it on -- What is this?
Something wrong with CONFIG SYS.
This isn't my idea of bliss:
I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files.
I want to share my anger
'Cause it drives me blooming wild!
My songs, they say, can be sublime;
I've conquered cadence, mastered rhyme.
But now-a-days I spend my time:
Reinstall -- oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done.
Every day now, everyone's
Look again. It will say
All you do is plug and play.
How do I spend every day?
It can't find my printer and
It can't locate my mouse.
The other day it drove me
Right out of the house.
Still unplugged, still unplayed,
I e-mailed God in search of aid.
He's far to busy, I'm afraid...
Up at dawn for one more try;
Does it work? -- Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
I used to like a drink or three.
No time now, don't call for me.
I'm going to spend eternity