PRESIDENTIAL QUOTES

1. A Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks
and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him
and asks "Why this chicken and rum, Sardarji ?"
Sardarji replies "You know , the trains are always late and I don't want to die of hunger !"

2. Do u know what surdarji will do if he wants a white paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..)
He takes a Xerox of the white paper !!!

Subject: Misc Jokes (9/30)

This material may be offensive to anyone or anything...read with care.

Two rabbits are sitting in a garden eating carrots and one turns to
the other and says, "My, aren't these carrots just yummy?"
The other rabbit replies, "Well, actually this carrot tastes a bit pithy to me"...and the other rabbit says, "that's probably because I Pithed on it!!"

This tiger walks into a bar, and goes up to the bartender, and tries to order a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve tigers here."

Upon hearing this, the tiger gets pretty frustrated. He says, "You see that lady over there on the bar stool? If you don't serve me a beer, I'll just walk over there and eat her."

The bartender sneers at the tiger, but ignores him. So the tiger walks over to the lady, and as he said he would do, attacked her and had himself a fresh supper.

The tiger walks back to the bar and says to the bartender, "Now, I'd hate to do the same thing again, so gimme that beer I want!"

At this remark, the bartender gets upset and says, "Now listen, We don't serve tigers here, and we ESPECIALLY don't serve drug addicts!"

The tiger looks at him puzzled, and says "but I'm not a drug addict."
The bartender says to him, "Oh yeah? Well how do you explain what you did over there? That was a barbituate!" (bar bitch you ate, duh).

A West Virginia couple was in bed on their wedding night, and were about to have sex. She said, "Be careful, I am a virgin."

Having never been with a virgin before, the young became very nervous. He decided that he would have to call his father for advice. After telling his father that his wife was a virgin and asking advice, his father told him, "Well, you better come on home. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."

There were three daughters all living with their father. He was the kind of person who was very protective, and he didn't like young men. One evening, all three of the girls got dates for the same night, and no matter how much he argued with them, their father couldn't persuade them to stay at home. Around 6:30 the doorbell rang and the father went to open it. He got out his .12 gauge shotgun, flung open the door and yelled "Waddaya want!"
The boy standing at the door was very nervous as he said "Well... my name is Freddie, and I'm here for Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, so is she ready?" The father called Betty and they drove off.
Around 6:45 the doorbell rang again. The father flung open the door and yelled as he had done before. "Well... my name is Jo and I'm hre for Flo. We're going to the show, so is she ready to go?" Flo came running down the stairs and they drove off.
Around 7:00 the doorbell rang again. The door was opened and the boy started to talk: "Hi, I'm Chuck - " *BANG*

A truck driver is going down the road and sees a hitchhiker. He decides to pick him up. The hitchhiker, about to get into the cab, starts looking around and sees a refrigerator, radios, etc, and a monkey. The hitchhiker says, "These new cabs have everything."
The trucker driver says, "Watch this." He backhands the monkey. The monkey goes flying back, hits the back of the cab, gets up, dusts himself off, and starts blowing the truck driver.
The truck driver says, "hey, you wanna try it?"
The hirchhiker says, "Sure, but you don't have to hit me as hard."

This Brit goes to Las Vegas for the 1st time. He decides to celebrate by getting some GREAT U.S. sex. He asks around for the best whore in town. He follows directions, and up the stairs is this most beautiful lady. He asks "How much is a hand job?".
She replies $400. He thinks that is pretty much, but agrees. She proceeds to give him the best hand job ever.
Next night, he returns. "How much for a blow job?", he asks.
$2,000, she rsponds. He agrees and has the absolutely best bj ever.
The next night he returns and asks how much for straight sex.
She replies "I can't do that".
He says PLEASE??? How much??
She says "No.. I can't do that".
He doesn't understand. He asks "why not?"...
She tells him to come to the window. He does. She pulls back the curtain and waves her hand at the parking lot, and asks "Do you see all those Caddilacs?"... He says yes. She says "All those Caddys are from BJs".
She waves her hand at the other side of the parking lot,and asks "Do you see those Mercedes?"
He says yes.
"Those were from hand jobs", she said. Then she waved her hand at the horizon and asked "Do you see all those big hotels?" He nodded and said yes.
"Well", she said, "If I were a woman those would all be mine".

Subject: automobile humor (not offensive)

My girlfriend was looking for a used car to buy and showed me an ad she found in the classifieds. It read "Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz Slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for $150.00." My friend and I were astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out.
The woman selling the car was glad to show it to us and to our surprise the car was in perfect condition. I asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car for so cheap?"
"Well," she replied, "it's my husband's car. He recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: "In Miami...need money...sell car!"

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies and they ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline.
"I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot." The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car with the fuel.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

Sir Winston Churchill was giving a speech in the House of Commons and someone nearby noticed that there was a handwritten comment in the margin of his notes: "Weak argument - talk loudly"

REASONS TO KEEP YOUR APARTMENT BELOW 37 DEGREES. You can see your breath.
Teach your pets survival tactics.
Opportunity to demonstrate your "layering" skills.
Get back at PECO.
You won't be needing that old refrigerator any more.
You can leave the windows open and say hello to passers-by.
Challenge your houseplants.
You can brag about it to your friends.
Get rid of unwanted houseguests.
You can sleep with your clothes on.
Pretend you're camping out.
Turn your cocktails into "slushies" right before your eyes.
Have your friends come over to practice "smoke rings".
It gives you the right to scream at will.
Toughens you up.
One word: icicles.
Enjoy the cool steam-cloud after you shower.
Your pet brings extra blankets to bed.
What electric bill?
Tell stories to the grandchildren.
Sell tickets to your "Bathtub Ice Capades".
Good excuse to start a fire in your living room.
Sing Kum-baya with your friends.
Whittle.
Toast marshmallows over candle.
What meter? I threw that out with the recyclables.
New hobby: knitting.
Frostbite.
Stick your tongue to any household appliance.
Wave a gun at strangers yelling, "GIMME YOUR SOCKS."
Place sign on front door, "Ice for sale: All types"
Develop candle-making skills.

Subject: Judgement Day

There are three couples, one Irish, one Jewish and one Greek. These three couples were the greatest friends who did absolutely everything together. Well one year they were on vacation and as they were driving around in their rental car it went out of control and crashed into a tree killing 6 of them. The three couples arrived at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them. He asked the Irish couple to approach, which they did and St. Peter asked the husband, "What is your wife's name?" To which the Irishman replied, "Sherry." St. Peter exploded! "Sherry? Sherry? Are you Irishman so in love with booze that you even have to have a wife named Sherry? Forget it, you're going to hell!"
He then called the Jewish couple forward and asked the husband his wife's name. "Penny," he replied. Again St. Peter was furious! "Penny! You Jewish people are so in love with money that you even have to have a wife named Penny! Forget it, you're going to hell too!" Hearing this the Greek man turned to his wife and said, "Well, we might as well forget it, Fanny."

A small town in Texas suffered from a drought that was so severe it lasted for thirty years. When it finally did rain it was only a brief shower. However, one of the town's residents happened to be outside and when the drops of water hit his face it was such a shock that he fainted. They had to throw two buckets of dust in his face to restore him to consciousness. Lyle's Joke Boutique.

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, 9
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods."
Robbie, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9

A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology here at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation class, Fall semester 1991.

"As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why would you bother?"

"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."

"They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to reload, I don't know."

On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."

"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into perspective."
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."

On Oprah Winfrey's income: "$83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."

On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.) "You can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life."
"20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves."

"In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further examine the totally suffering individual."

"No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'"

"The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a grandparent.

"Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news."

"Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before."
"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."

On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad relationship last: "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain them, do you think I'd be here? And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired and happy."

"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own business."

"Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. However, this rarely happens because hitting people is so positively reinforcing."

"Usually shooting a professor in the head ticks them off, but sometimes they'll say 'Thank you.'"

"At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and oxygen."

"I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open, which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and upper management."

"I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being."

"You bring someone home, say 'Hi, Mom, this is so-and-so,' she immediately knows everything except which side of the bed he sleeps on."

"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."

"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."

"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your problems."

"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."

"There are two universes: for males, and for females."

"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."

"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping."

"Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the moment."

"Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'"

"I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you have to."

"Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing."

"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living."

"There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is largely irrelevant."

"Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?"

"You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one."

Subject: Sunday driver?

Subject: Restaurant joke

"Ours is a good restaurant," said the manager. "If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and ---"
"I believe you," said the customer, "I ordered a small steak."

Subject: laws of household physics.
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportioned to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.