Love, Romance & Marriage

The myth of romantic love is a dreadful lie. Perhaps it is a necessary lie that it ensures the survival of the species by its encouragement and seeming validation of the falling-in-love experience that traps us into marriage.
(by Psychiatrist M.Scott Peck, "The Road Less Travelled.")

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition continously until death do them part.
(George Bernard Shaw)

All couples should learn that a true acceptance of their own and each other's individuality and separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature marriage can be and real love can grow.
(by Dr. M. Scott Peck, "The Road Less Traveleld.")

People like to think of themselves as being in love; but by and large the emotion they interpret as love is in reality some other emotion -- often a strong sex drive, fear, dependence or a hunger for approval. That's not to say love doesn't develop. Many people find it easier to live together when that commitment is voluntarily renewed.
(Psychiatrist Don Jackson, "The Mirages of Marriage.")

The so-called saintly behaviour is boring; we are given our lives to enjoy. But the otherside of the coin is also boring, with its lack of compassion and spirituality.
(by Betty Shine, a healer/author, "Mind Magic.")

"The fine art of love is often better when the recipe includes: a dash of maturity; a pinch of experience; and a good helping of seasoned common sense along with love and affection."

Tales of the Heart: Some things are hard to fathom, but you need to believe.
Some events happen beyond control, but you need to accept.
There are people you can not live without, but you need to let go.

When I got older, and my heart was fully scarred, I decided to
throw it away, and replaced it with a stocking from Santa filled
with nothing else but love. Now, I can just hand out a little bit of
love to anyone who needs it! And Cristmas is all year round for me!
Isn't that great?
(Rudy Alforque / U.S.A.)

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
One thing that all philisophical and psychological considerations of love have produced is the understanding that there are different ways love becomes manifest: narcisstic love (self love); erotic love (romantic love); filial love (compassionate love); and agapic love (divine, unconditional love). My contention is that all these forms of loving have their origin in and thus are manifestations of, divine agapic love; they are children of the same mother.

Narcissistic is the lowest form of love. The narcissist is clearly more interested in receiving than in giving. Self presevation and self- aggrandizement take priority over the welfare of others. It's not all bad. Far from it. Together with Freud and some recent pop psychologies I believe "healthy narcissism" is a pre-requisite for more mature forms of loving. At the same time, narcissism constitutes the single most difficult obstacle to more mature forms of loving. It can be said to have a biological purpose in the preservation and protection of the individual. Its fundamental symbol is the infant sucking his thumb.

Erotic love is that wonder-filled and dramtic attachment of one person to another -- usually of the opposite sex -- that results in such global preoccupation that a "fusion" of the two occurs during which the external world simply "fall away". It's that wonderful me-and-you-against-the- world experience. The interpersonal fusion of eroticism can liberate EXTREMES of creative or destructive energy. This is the love about which songs and poems are written; where the peak of the tallest mountain is climed for the loved one; where everything is given up for the sake of the loved one. It's the love that is the central theme of almost every popular form of entertainment and advertisement. It's the love with which our entire culture is pre-occupied. And it's biological -- and perhaps metaphysical -- "purpose" is the propagation of the species. It's fundamental symbol is genital intercourse, through which new beings are created.

Filial love is also called 'caritas' or 'charity'. It's a firm, committed, noncontrived giving of time, energy, attention, and wealth to further the welfare and improve the lives of other human beings. It's the brotherly love of Chritianity, Judaism and Islam; It's also parental love. It's characterized by concern for the plight of other people and and empathy with "la condition humaine". The fundamental symbol of filial love is the family.

Agapic love is ultimate, unconditional love. It is a love that transcends human beings both individually and collectively. Because it doesn't originate from within individual people, it is not influenced by their personal desires or whims. It's a universal "given" that pre-exists all effort; it neither needs to be earned nor can it be removed. It is only in agape that the perfect casting out fear occurs; for agape cannot be taken away.

Narcissism, eroticism and filial love are all CONDITIONAL forms of love; they can be influenced by circumstances and by personal whim. They can be controlled, to a greater or lesser extent, by will. They can be marketed between or among people, and they can be associated with all kinds of self-serving motivations that may detract from the welfare of the loved one. Agape suffers none of these vicissitudes; it is permanent, eternal, and completely unflappable. The only choice humans have in relation to agape is whether or not to recognize its presence, to 'realize" it. We can neither magnify nor destroy it.

I cannot presume to know the bilogical or metaphysical "purpose" behind agape. But it does impart an unquestionable sense of meaning to our existence whenever it is realized. I believe its realization satisfies human spiritual longing; it brings us HOME.

It's not easy to come up with a fundamental symbol for 'agape.' Most symbols are simply not comprehensive enough. For us Christians, it is in part the CROSS, the symbol of the love of God being so great that "He gave His only begotten Son." Each faith has its own central symbol and each can be said to reflect some aspect of divine love: the Star of David, the Dharma Wheel of Buddhism, the Yin-Yang circle of Taoism and so on. But none of this is universal enough. Of all agapic symbols, perhaps the most profound is the rite of commmunion in which bread and wine symbolizing the divine are incorporated into the physical human body. Nearly all world religions have a bread and wine rite.

No human symbols can ADEQUATELY portray divine (unconditional) love. Whereas narcissistic, erotic and filial love can be symbolized or represented in very concrete physical ways, agapic love seems to be of a totally different dimension.

Many people would maintain, as I do, that ALL human loving is a gift from God, and as such has its roots in agape. BUT the point is that any love that is seen as coming from another person simply has to be conditional. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "Love that is felt to be of specifically human origin is never, can never be, and was never meant to be, unconditional." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ It can always be changed; its manifestations are always contingent upon behaviour and circumstance, and it can always be taken away. To be sure, some human loving occasionally approaches eternal and everlasting qualities, but it is NEVER absolute.

Let me conclude with two quotes, one from the Hindu tradition, that "Human love, no matter how intense, is limited and thrives on what it receives from another ... and must therefore pall after a time"; the other from Christianity:

" For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The obvious corallary to this is that if we are to seek truly unconditional love, we must seek a love that carries truly divine qualities. Other people may be involved in it with us, and we may even sense it coming through one another, but they and we are never its primary source.

Both quotes add weight to my basic thesis that the only kind of immutably perfect love is agape.

(by Fe Leonor)