Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away --ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears.
"... I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland."
Minutes later he is back screaming, "Doc, there is a big black cat out there."
"So what," Doc counters; "you know that you are a big strong man and no cat can do you harm."
"Yes, Doc," the patient sobs; "I know that. But -- DOES THE CAT KNOW?"
An attendant, who's been watching, approaches him. "Why on earth do you do this," he questions; "it must hurt terribly."
"Of course it does," the loony replies. "There are no words to tell you just how much it hurts. But the relief when the pain subsides! It's well worth the pain.
#I give myself sometimes admirable advice,
but I am incapable of taking it.
Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
#Civility costs nothing, and buys everything.
Mary Wortley Montagu
#War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
C. E. Montague
#We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge,
but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.
Michel de Montaigne
#Marriage is like a cage;
one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,
and those inside equally desperate to get out.
Michel de Montaigne. French writer
#Every man who possesses power is impelled to abuse it.
Baron de La Brede et de Montesquieu
#After all there is but one race - humanity.
George Moore
#Obstacles are those frightful things you see when
you take your eyes off the goal.
Hannah More
#There is only one success,
to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley
#You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
John Viscount Morley
#Economy: Cutting down other people's wages.
J.B. Morton
#If the nation's economists were laid end to end,
they would point in all directions.
Arthur H. Motley
#Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.
Edward R. Murrow
#When you win, nothing hurts.
Joe Namath
#If you wish to be a success in the world,
promise everything, deliver nothing.
Napoleon
#Having a daughter is like riding a young horse
over an unknown steeplechase course.
You don't know when to pull up the reins,
when to let the horse have the head ... or what.
Princess Grace of Monaco
#In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
Napoleon
#Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of
intelligence or ability.
Flower A. Newhouse
#Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Howard W. Newton
#The thoughtless are rarely wordless.
Howard W. Newton
"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Family problems
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a while one of them said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather.... and you think you have family problems!"
Three-Legged Turkey Three Legged Turkey
This bloke's driving down Holmes Chapel Road one night when he looks out of his side window and sees a three-legged turkey bounding along at 30 m.p.h. He can't believe it so it starts increasing speed. The turkey glances at him for a moment and then takes off. The bloke's flabbergasted, he floors the accelerator pedal and gives it all he's worth to keep up. The turkey just whirls it's legs faster and faster and eventually darts into a farmyard. The bloke slams on the brakes and rushes into the farmyard.
There's the farmer leaning on a post chewing a blade of grass.
Did you just see a three-legged turkey go past?
Arrr.
That sucker's just been doing about 70 m.p.h., it's amazing !
I knows, I's bred 'im.
Why breed three-legged turkeys ?
I likes drumsticks, me son likes drumsticks and me wife likes drumsticks.
I see. That's very clever, what do they taste like ?
Dunno.
Why not ?
Never caught no bugger yet.