Five Jewish Jokes

Paired off Parrots

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have
a problem.  I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.  Want
to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem.  Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male
talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house.
His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in
their cage.  The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and
exclaims, "Put away the siddurs!  Our prayers have been answered!"

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It's All Relative

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was 
incarcerated in the state prison. 
    
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in 
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of 
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."
    
The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every 
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes 
home each week.
    
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son." 

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Buzz Off

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. 

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
      
"Not too good," says bee two.  "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't 
enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
      
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and 
hang a left?  There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and 
fruit."
      
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into 
each other again.
      
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
      
"Great!" replies the second.
      
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and 
inquires, "What's that on your head?"
      
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

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The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, 
who had just suffered a mild heart-attack. 

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

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A Jewish homosexual is in San Francisco for Yom Kippur, and hears that there 
is a gay shul on Canal Street.

He walks on Canal until he sees a synagogue, and enters it.  The men are on 
one side and the woman are on the other.

Seeing a stranger, the shamas invites him up on the bima for an aliya. 
Standing next to him is a good looking guy, so the gay Jew pinches his 
toches.

Suddenly, there is silence in the synagogue, followed by murmuring.   
The gay says, "What did I do?  This is a gay synagogue!  What did I do 
wrong?"

The shammes screams that the gay shul is two blocks down the street, 
and that the gay should get the hell out of this normal shul.

The gay walks down the street and sees a building with the sign "Gay Brethren 
of Israel".  He enters in glee, and sees that again the men are sitting on 
one side and the women on the other.  Only this time, they are holding hands 
and making out with each other.

The gay takes a seat, and the shammes seeing a new face, invites him for an 
aliya.  The gay is on the bima, and next to him is standing a very good 
looking fellow.  The gay can't control himself, and pinches his toches. 
Suddenly, the synagogue erupts into a mass of murmuring.

The gay says, "What did I do?  What did I do?  This is a gay synagogue, 
what did I do wrong?"

One man gets up and says, "Yes, this is a gay synagogue!  And we have very 
few rules here.  But one of them is that no one fools around with the 
rebbetzin!!"

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Israeli Taxi Joke


An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel.

As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the
driver drive straight through without even slowing down.  Surprised as he
was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a 'guest' and not wanting to
make waves.

The trip continued without event until the next intersection.

This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab
driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt.

Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.  "Listen", he
says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything.  But
why on earth are you stopping at a green light?"  The Israeli driver looks
at the American as if he was deranged.  "Are you crazy?!" he shouts.  "The
other guy has a red light!  Do you want to get us killed?!"

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The Rabbi and his Wife

The Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a
box he didn't recognize.  His wife told him to leave it alone, it was
personal.  

One day, she was out and his curiousity got the better of him.  He opened
the box and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.  When his wife came home, he
admitted that he had opened the box and asked her to explain the contents
to him.

She told him, every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the
box.  He thought to himself, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons,
that's not bad."  His wife continued, "And every time I got a dozen eggs,
I would sell them for $1."