• Paraplegics to have access to all amusement rides and theme parks 'This is fuckin' nuts!' say operators; massive industry layoffs threatened by actions of Human Rights Tribunals
• Leave O Canada Lyrics Alone! The group Females Favouring Men, says Famous 5 Foundation agitators better back off their drive to have the lyrics changed or, "shit will fly"
• Quebec Language Cops Move To Censor Notional Pest—ONLINE
• Study Finds Long Second Toes Make For Deadly Overachievers  While they usually have a nice smile, LST people are prone to kill at worst and be extremely irritating at best. An Ohio social anthropologist suggests we off such people at birth.
• Animal Rights Group Demands End To Displays Of Animal Skeletons In Museums  ALL animals have souls and therefore their bones or skins should not be put on display
• Conrad Black to renounce Canadian citizenship — PM threatens hunger strike
• Gas to reach $15 per litre by Labour Day Shocking revelations at weekend meetings of Competition Bureau
• Minister Gives Charles a Big Kiss  Sheila Copps 'adores' royalty but potential contagion of germs worries members of Royal Household
• Castro Names Canadians To Communist 'Hall of Fame" Maude Barlow, Alexa McDonough, Svend Robinson get 'tremendous pat on back' and win handsome medals from Cuba's leader
• Judge Given Shopmate Table Saw By Jury — Declares Mistrial Judge defends action telling Notional Pest that "Though I need a new deck, public might think it would prejudice my ability to conduct a fair and impartial trial"
• ADHD Scourge Of Legal Profession Ex - NDP Reeves Matheson sentenced to house arrest because of his 'irresistible impulses'
• G.G's Consort Scammed Reporter disguised as 'Hottentot' uncovers startling indiscretions by sub regal couple
• 'Miracle' Apparition Exults Church  "It's not the Virgin, but it's close" says prelate. House near Halifax site of famous Woman in Window
• TV Remote In Weird Dream Halifax woman has psychiatrists scratching heads. Freudians and Jungians battle over interpretation
• Chinese Fighter Collides With Sea King Near Hop Sing City (ex-Victoria) Chinese demand full apology. Chretien will comply — Ottawa
• PM Spikes Rumour Brian Tobin will not desert Canada for U.S. Liberal Party leadership issue no longer 'a problem' says Paul Martin
• PM's Pets Have Nervous Breakdown Shocking story from 24 Sussex Drive. Is the Prime Minister beyond all accountability?
• Man Killed By Kitty Litter Kanata man dies in a cloud of Kitty litter. "This stuff's a KILLER," says Control Officer
• Man Watched For Signs Of Mad Cow Disease Violent incident at Bracebridge Ont. farm raises questions about lifting the ban on Brazilian beef
• Alliance gets hands on the test given to Liberal Back-Benchers Stockwell Day refuses to say how he obtained a copy of the Top Secret  document. PM says, "It doesn't exist, just like the opposition"
• World's First Transgenic Operation A 'Mixed Success' Woman becomes first person to be fitted with the penis and testicles from another species. Woman said to be 'satisfied' but may sue doctor for malpractice
• Hannibal Lecter Has Wild Week  Hannibal changes diet that brings on erectile difficulties; then his urge to eat every dick in site is replaced by gross priapism after eating too many peckerheads at one sitting. Week ends with famed gourmet suing famous New York restaurant for 'gross negligence'
• Lunch with Jan As she picks her teeth of her pets' (and probably her missing husband's) remains, my luncheon guest provides shocking revelations
• Sewer Workers Threaten Action Over Lack Of Benefits Toronto's feisty mayor in frenzy at press conference, accuses critics of copying tactics of Hitler. "They want another Holocaust," he sprays
• Man To Walk Alone Around The World An amazing odyssey for a man determined to spread the Word
• Dunkin' Donuts Ex - Waitress Heads Huge Conglomerate Counter gal shows that an unschooled teen-ager working for minimum wage can rise to the top of the corporate ladder very quickly if she is gorgeous and serves a good cup of java
• At The Tate This Week  A stunning new show has set the art world ablaze with critics searching for new, never-used-before superlatives
• Schadenfreude Case Overwhelms Justice System  "It stinks," say legal observers
• Popular Minister in close call at Gander airport Government promises to bring in laws that will jail people who offend, harass, or ask cheeky questions of high ranking Liberal politicians. "It's high time," say prominent newspaper owners with close association with Liberal Party
• Mysterious skeleton found in washroom stall Aboriginals demand answers and want $10 trillion restitution for abuses since white man came and stole their country
• Weather Stations To Blanket The Globe  Action will solve the problem of uncertainty but it will cost "untold fuckin' billions", says scientist who doesn't want to alarm anybody
• Proof That Americans Are Closer to God than Canadians Everybody 'knew' this to be so, but new book by certified goofball proves it
• Hollinger, Publisher Of The National Post, A 'Corporate Welfare Bum' ? — NDP makes startling accusation
• How Much Water Does Your Body Need Every Day? Guess wrong and you're dead!  Study shocks the scientific community with find that even a teaspoon too much or too little per day and you're headed for a lifetime of ill health culminating in a certain, painful death
• Study Finds The Secret For  Living A Long, Happy, Productive Life  Medical societies and drug companies are aghast and threaten to sue the study's author, Dr. Stanley Weiners
• Could All Life On Earth End This Year? It is Not Just Likely But Certain  Dr. David Suzuki, noted environmentalist and predictor of doom for the planet, warns that the world will both freeze to death and that sea levels will rise until we're all drowned and, anyway, "A big meteor is going to hit us smack on before Christmas."
• New bathroom de-stinker is a hi-tech marvel  Jan Wang, bathroom utilities expert and food editor of the Pest tests a new de-odorizer that puts matches and candles to shame
• Fad diets extremely harmful and users will die sooner or later  Shocking discoveries a warning to us all
• Need money fast?   An easy (and honourable) way to steal from your friends

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Pensées du jour
When you get older you lose interest in sex, your friends drop away, your children ignore you. There are many other advantages, of course, but these would seem to be the outstanding ones
-- Richard J. Needham

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Now, you take my wife. I can take her anywhere and she always finds her way home.
-- Henney Youngman

A true library is a collection of books just as much as a toolbox is a collection of tools.
-- Fred W. Lipschitz

Question du Jour
What famous German philosopher, who died a virgin. stood up at an eighteenth century philosopher's convention and shouted, "I can think anything deeper than you can, I can think anything deeper than you!" ?
-- Immanuel Kant, in Königsberg. Prussia, in 1724