OTTAWA. The Liberals have given songwriter John Foster Dullass a twenty-million dollar commission to re-write the lyrics to Canada's unofficial anthem, the spritely and tuneful The Maple Leaf Forever. In it, the Heritage Minister, Sheila Copps with the full support of the Prime Minister has decided that all references to the first three of the four founding peoples: English, Scots, and Irish, must be expunged to reflect the true modern diversity of the country.

The Liberals' latest concession to multiculteralism and political correctness has met with unreserved praise from French Canadians and other repressed minorities. As Dasai Singh Dosangh, Associate Minister for National Symbols put it to this Pest reporter: "Who the fuck is this Wolfe character? That's not anybody I know. Songs that celebrate Canada have to reflect its predominately French and Asian character. As long we acknowledge the European connection by retaining Official Bilingualism and celebrating the French character of Quebec, that's all we need."

The changes will be proclaimed on the first Prime Ministers' Day — soon to be proclaimed by Order-in-Council. The new national holiday will officially recognize the importance to Canada of her Prime Ministers from Sir Wilfred Laurier and subsequent francophones leaders who had their roots in Quebec. So far, Mr. Dullass has received half the $10 million commission and for that amount he has already managed to re-write the first verse. The results have been greeted with unstinting praise from the Liberal caucus and the PM has promised that more revisions to out-of-date symbols are on their way.

Original first verse:

In days of yore, from Britain's Shore,
Wolfe the donkless hero came,
To firmly plant Britannia's flag
In Canada's fair domain ... etc.

The reversion:

In days of yore, from every shore,
Men and women donkless came,
To firmly plant the Fleurs-de-Lys
In Canada's fair doman ... etc.

Notional Pest

RETURN TO MAIN PAGE