Brian Tobin Lashes Out At Critics Of Allan Rock — "He's Not A Bio-Errorist"

OTTAWA, 25 Oct. Brian Tobin, who called a special news conference to announce that Mr. Chrétien has given the green light to the Industry Minister's $1 billion plan to bring hi-speed internet to every isolated hamlet and farmhouse in the country, took advantage of the occasion to take a bitter blast against the media. Visibly angry he denounced those "who portray Allan Rock as an empty-headed, panic-driven, power-hungry bio-errorist and criticize his purchases of generic anti-anthrax and anti-gravity pills (story below)".

Acknowledging that he and Rock are rivals for the Liberal leadership, he said, "Sure, Allan and I are contenders for the leadership of the Liberal Party, whenever Mr. Chrétien decides to step down — and I want to emphasize, I fervently hope that is not for many, many years. But, irregardless, the press, especially the National Post, spends far too much time pointing fingers at Allan's expensive mistakes ever since he entered cabinet.

"Why dwell on such things as his blundering and costly ($10 million) attack on Brian Mulroney over the Airbus incident; the unconstitutional breach of the Pearson Airport contract, which cost the taxpayers an estimated $600 million; his boondoggling gun control legislation, which so far has dinged the taxpayers for $500 million; and now his assorted disasters in phony and demagogic health care issues like his anti-tobacco policies, which in the end will cost well over $480 millions?

"I think it's grossly unfair of the press to continually point out Allan's expensive mistakes, especially when Allan has taken pains to point out that in every case, all the mistaken policies I have just enumerated were initiatives of junior officials in his department who neglected to run them past Allan on the flimsy excuse that he was on a foreign junket or giving a grandstanding press conference at the time."

Black Hole Threatens to Engulf Earth — Allan Rock Orders 100 Million Anti-Gravity Pills

Ottawa, 23 Oct. While he is still embroiled in the anti-anthrax squabble with Bayer AG, Allan Rock says it is in the national interest to warn Canadians that while they should not panic and just go about their daily business, he feels that as Health Minister it is his duty to advise Canadians that the world will soon be sucked up by a giant black hole. "Astronomers at the Canadian Deep Space Laboratory have told me that a monstrous black hole with the energy of a billion suns is sucking up nearby stars and galaxies at a prodigious rate and that its effects will certainly be felt on our solar system and unless we are prepared, we will not escape its deadly suction," he said.

Mr. Rock says that the voice of prudence tells him that it is urgent that the government stocks up on anti-gravity pills before the black hole has a chance to do its "frightfully violent thing". Accordingly, he has again flouted regulations and patent law by ordering 150 million anti-gravity pills from generic drug maker, Apotex, by coincidence the same company that the government had already got into trouble just days earlier over the anti - anthrax pill, Cipro. As on that occasion, Bayer AG, the company that holds the legal patent on the anti-gravity pill, is furious with Mr. Rock and will sue the federal government $100 million for patent infringement. If the suit is successful, it is possible that taxpayers will foot the bill although this is unlikely. When one of its members fucks up badly, the Liberal Party as a matter of principle always absorbs the full cost of the fuck-up.
 
 

An angry Bayer spokesperson, Mr. Robert Arthur pictured at left in a recent argument with a neighbour over the nature of electricity, said that Mr. Rock is again spreading unnecessary panic and wondered if Mr. Rock had confused light years with miles. "There's quite a difference between 150 million light years and 150 million miles; in fact, a light year is almost 100 times as big as a statute mile," he said.

Mr. Arthur, best-selling author of book, FUN WITH ELECTRODES, wished to point out that the anti-gravity pill is still under development at a laboratory on a remote island in the Arabian Sea. He noted that, "Early tests on animals are promising and I hope within the lifetime of all of us living today, the pills will prove to be successful and a valuable addition to our pharmacopoeia. But until then, there is still a lot of work to be done. While the pills seem to work as designed, the test animals keep floating off into space before we can examine them for possible side effects."

Mr. Rock again refuses to apologize for acting propitiously without consulting those cabinet colleagues who may or may not be in competition with him for the job of prime minister should Mr. Chrétien ever decide to step down. Mr. Rock denies he is a 'bio-errorist' as some of his many detractors have labelled him. "I hold the health of Canadians as my primary responsibility and when a major threat like this comes along, we just have to make an end run around the rules," he said.

Health Minister In Deep Shit

Ottawa, 20 Oct. The no-name anti anthrax version of Cipro that Health Minister Allan Rock single-handedly bought with taxpayers' money, has gotten the flamboyant prime ministerial wannabe in deep, deep shit. The no-name product will be bought from the generic pill maker, Apotex, for several $millions, though the panic purchase is in defiance of patent law, the government's own regulations, and some say, common sense. What's more the word has it that the no-name knock-off is said to have deadly side effects.

In wake of widespread criticism of the panic buying, the Health Minister is said to be conducting a frantic campaign to put the blame for the illegal purchase onto a low-level paper-shuffler in the Ministry of Health. His staff is prepared to deny that Mr. Rock had anything to do with it.

Bayer, who holds the legal patent for Cipro, said that Rock will be sued up to his eyeballs. The spokesman also said that the generic form of the drug, "... that my company, Bayer, spent millions developing, causes exploding diarrhea, a form of incontinence that can cause widespread damage."

The Bayer spokesman warned, " After taking one of those generic pills, you'd better not be standing in line to catch an Air Canada flight to Reagan National Airport in Washington. You'll be farting rapid fire like an Uzi automatic pistol and while everyone runs for cover and security guards unpack their side arms, you'll wish you stayed at home picking at the scabs over the anthrax sores on your ass."

Allan Rock To Criminalize Nose Picking In Automobiles

Ottawa, Oct. 19. The Health Minister, Allan Rock, at a hastily assembled news conference, cited recent studies that show that the human mind can only deal efficiently with one task at a time. "You can't read a book properly and listen to the radio at the same time, just as you can't talk on a cell phone and safely drive a car," he said. Studies back him up. The part of the brain that deals with processing information can process just one bit of information at a time. If you're reading while the radio is playing a piece of music you adore, only bits and fragments of the reading will be registered in memory because the same part of the brain is trying to deal with two different streams of data.

Which brings us to the issue of nose picking in cars. While there continues to be controversy whether car phones should be banned, Mr. Rock said urgent attention should also be directed at the practice of digging deep goobers out of the nose while driving in heavy traffic. In face of this growing problem, Mr. Rock announced that he will ask the Minister of Transport to introduce a bill into Parliament making nose picking in automobiles a criminal offense." I know it's not my department," said Mr. Rock, "but it really is my concern because there's a health issue involved." The health issue is the effect of goobers on one's digestive system. "Most people after mining a deep one will eat them if they're at the wheel of a car  — there's no place else to put them except in your month. No decent person would slide them off the finger onto the dashboard or under the seat, at least not Canadian drivers," he said.

Mr. Rock at his press conference, could not prevent a tear sliding down his cheek as he told of a recent horrific crash on the Ottawa Queensway involving a mail handler in his office. The unidentified forty-five-year-old was driving to work in his van that police say was clocked at 150 Kph before it careened off the Queensway and cart wheeled fifty times before coming to rest against a concrete abutment. Mr. Rock surmised that the man was speeding so as not to be late for work. "We give bonuses to staff who arrive before ten on at least two days a week," he said.

The body was horribly mutilated but forensic examination at the crash scene revealed that he had been seriously engaged in nose picking at the time of the accident. "His picking finger was found jammed up his right nostril almost to the knuckle," said Mr. Rock.

Mr. Rock noted that the man had died as a result of the accident, and not to ingested goobers. But he wanted to emphasize the health risk aspect of the case. "The man probably died owing to inattention, but we shouldn't forget the health risks attending an excess of ingested goobers," he said. Mr. Rock concluded the press conference by praising the selflessness of the staff member who had given his life so that this case would add to the growing statistical evidence that the mind can only concentrate efficiently on one task at a time. "He's dead, but at least we can take comfort knowing that he died thoughtfully."

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