Doctor DOS Betamax's

HUMOUR for DOS USERS

The TEN COMMANDMENTS of DOS

1. Thou shalt have no other operating systems before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven icon of a non-DOS system.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of DOS, thy almighty, in vain.
4. Remember the DOS 1.0 day, to keep it holy.
5. Honour thy CONFIG.sys and thy AUTOEXEC.bat.
6. Thou shalt not kill non-DOS users despite their folly.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery by having an affair with another operating system.
8. Thou shalt not steal copyrighted software. Don't copy that floppy! Don't Facsimile that CD!
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against inferior operating systems. It is unnecessary.
10. Thou shalt not covet a superior operating system -- there are none!.

KEY DOS PHRASES

Add These to Your Vocabulary

• DOS Boot
  A motion picture made in Germany about Marine DOS.
  
  
  
• DOSidents
  Operating system anarchists.
  
  
  
• DOS Cherry
  A Canadian programmer of DOS Sports Games.
  
  
  
• DOS Day Afternoon
  A motion picture based on a true story
  about how Al Pacino switched to DOS
  at the bank where he worked with his
  gay lover who wanted an OS change.
  
  
  
• DOSter, DOSter, Give me the News
  I've got a Bad Case of Blue-Screen Blues
  A musical lament by Robert Palmer
  regarding Windows problems.
  
  
• DOS Days of Summer
  Period during warm weather when batch files
  run the fans, and DOS programmers lie back
  to take a break.
  
  
• Weapons of Mass DOStruction
  These are used to destroy tedious tasks
  perpetrated by GUI operating systems.
  
  
  
• DOS Jones
  Statistition for the DOS Stock Market.
  
  
  
• DOSter Seuss
  Writer of children's operating system books.
  

UNDOCUMENTED DOS ERROR MESSAGES

• Keyboard Failure: Press F1 to Continue.
• Bad Command or File Name: Go to Your Room!
• No File Handles: Consult HARDWARE.doc.
• COMMAND.com not Found: Should I Fake it? (Y/N)
• Syntax Error: User only at GUI Intelligence Level.
• Must Specify Destination: Start TRAVELAGENT.exe? (Y/N)
• Out of Memory: Run ALZHEIMER.com? (Y/N)
• PARLIAMENT.sys Corrupted: Reinstall Ottawa? (Y/N)
• BREAKFAST.exe Failure: No Response from Cereal Port.
• Missing/Corrupted REALITY.sys. Universe Halted. Run BIG-BANG 2.0?

OPERATING SYSTEM AIRLINES

  UNIX Air Transport
    The grandfather of the industry, Unix Air Transport has remained a stable company throughout the decades and has been able to cover the planet with a world-wide network of airport terminals. High security has meant no Unix planes have ever experienced a hijacking. Other airlines often interact with this airline's flyways during inter-country flights.

    Passengers are given a manual to handle the planes themselves, and must learn it fully in order to fly on UNIX planes. Remaining little known to the general public, UNIX Air Transport often carries the freight of rival airlines.

  Aero Apple
    Only one person interfaces between the passengers and the baggage check-in, ticket seller, flight attendants and pilots. Passengers must use this person to interact with all the others. No matter which employees are encountered, they all look and act the same as the others.

    Ground crew are invisible to users of this airline. If you ask for details about operations, you are gently, but firmly, told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be handled for you without you ever having to know.

    Some years ago, Aero Apple abandoned its own runways and fuel so that it could use those of other Operating System air companies. Also, Aero Apple now has two employees to interface with the public.

  DOS Air
    Airport terminal, luggage check-in, and ticket services are plain but run smoothly and quickly. No employees ever talk back to the passengers, and rarely deny any requests. Unfortunately, some detrimental requests are obeyed without question, even if they might destroy the passenger's luggage.

    Although DOS Air has simple, inexpensive, workhorse aircraft, they fly faster and farther than those of other airlines for the same amount of fuel. Flights are never delayed or cancelled. Upon request, there are decorative overlays available at extra charge that can cover all the plainness with pretty facades.

    However, passengers must check and load their own luggage, issue and take their own tickets, handle boarding and ground operations, and direct air traffic. Passengers must fly the planes themselves as well, and they have to learn how the instruments and controls work in order to do so. Once all this is done though, passengers can train the system to do it all for them by itself, but they must partially retrain it whenever the destination changes.

  Windows Air
    At first, Windows Air used DOS Air employees to do the actual work, all the while presenting to the passengers a bright and inviting terminal, friendly flight attendants, fairly easy baggage checks and boarding procedures, but a laboured flight because of having to answer many "Yes or No" questions during their time in the air. This airline now has its own employees, save for the odd DOS Air one still under contract.

    During some flights, the entire cabin interior turns blue and neither flight attendants nor crew can be summoned. Passengers have to then abandon the current trip and start all over again. Windows Air has constant problems with hijackers, although these can be lessened -- but only for great expense and time on the part of the passenger.

    With their newer planes, after about an hour in the air, just the on-board video screens turn blue -- but the plane explodes for no apparent cause. Should the aircraft have a crash landing, each passenger is asked "Are You Sure?" before an emergency door will open and a slide deploys.

  Windows Vista Air
    Although now out of business, it was similar to the older Windows Air, but Vista Air cost more. It used much larger aircraft that carried a lot of superfluous cargo, flew much slower, and used a great deal more fuel than the planes of other airlines. Security screening was a nightmare with endless questions and invasive body cavity searches.

    Once in the air, all extras were charged for. Meals were good but it took them a long time to be prepared and served. To use the washroom, a special code had to be entered, followed by choosing among more of those "Yes or No" selections. As well, flight attendants constantly checked your tickets and vouchers to see if they were official Windows Vista Air ones. If not, your flight was immediately terminated even if over an ocean.

    Disembarking the plane required completion of a minimum of four sides of a Rubik's Cube, a long walk down a labyrinth of corridors and a wait at the end even though no one else was in line. As with Windows Air, Vista planes sometimes exploded, but also destroyed all other aircraft within a 15-kilometre radius.

  Linuxtansa
    This European air company was started by ex-employees of UNIX Air Transport and staffed by disillusioned workers of other Operating System airlines. It builds its own terminals and manufactures its own planes but does not entirely complete the interiors. To reduce costs, it uses the same runways and fuel as that of most of the other airlines. This allows those other users to land at a Linuxtansa airport to peruse its terminals at their leisure with no increased cost.

    Linuxtansa charges to print tickets, but users can also print their own with no repercussions, and at little to no cost. When passengers board a plane, a free toolkit is issued so that they can hook up the cockpit gauges and controls, and complete the interior to individual tastes. Once done, the experience is comfortable, the plane flies on schedule with minimal problems, and provides food, magazines and entertainment at no charge.

    Employees and passengers experienced with Linuxtansa attempt to promote the great flights and services to the customers of competing airlines, but all the others can say is, "You had to use a toolkit?"

TUI vs GUI

In most ways, the TUI (Text User Interface)
is far more efficient and faster to use than
the GUI (Graphic user Interface). Here are
some analogies to show that.

THE TUI vs GUI
Television Remote

The GUI Television Remote:

    Let's say you are on Channel 3 and wish to go to Channel 29. With the GUI remote, you must first push a button to get a menu of channels, then push the `Up' button to move past 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 and finally to Channel 29.

The TUI Television Remote:

    Push "29".

THE TUI vs GUI Restaurant

The GUI Restaurant:

    In the GUI Restaurant you are not allowed to speak to the waiter. You go in, sit down and the waiter places a menu in front of you on which there are three images: one of Breakfast, one of Lunch, and one of Supper. It's noon time so you place your finger at the top of the menu where you must run it past "Breakfast" to get to the "Lunch" picture. You tap it twice.

    At this point, the waiter opens a lunch menu and places it on top of the first. You place your finger at the top of that menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Hamburger". You tap once.

    At this point, the waiter opens a third menu and lays it on top of the first two. This one has everything that one might want on the burger. You place your finger at the top of the menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Cheese". You tap once. You then run your finger past some more stuff you don't want to tap on "Relish". You tap some more to signal to the waiter that you have finished selecting.

    At this point, the waiter removes the third menu and you notice that there is a picture at the bottom of the second menu representing Beverages. You tap on it and the waiter places a mini menu on top of the second menu. It depicts various beverages. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the stuff you don't want until you get to say, "Juices". You tap on it and yet another menu is placed on top of the beverage menu showing the various juices available. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the beverages you don't want until you get to say, "Orange Juice". Now, yet another menu is placed on top of this one with pictures showing the various sizes. You place your finger at the top of this menu and run it past all the sizes you don't want until you get to say, "Large".

    Finally, you then tap on the waiter to fold & remove the table full of menus. You eventually get your order.

The TUI Restaurant:

    Say to the waiter: "Cheeseburger with Relish, and a large Orange Juice". It arrives immediately. (-:

WINDOWS PUT-DOWNS

Here are Some General Put-Downs
of the Windows Operating System.

"Save" Sequence    64-Bit O.S.   

Windows Automobiles   

Windows Television    A Windows Poem   

Windows "Save" Sequence

• Click "Save"
• Click "Yes" to Confirm
• Click "Apply"
• Click "OK"
• Are You Sure? Click "Yes"
• Are You Really Sure? Click "Yes"
• Do You Know What You are Doing? Click "Yes"
• Are You Sure You Know What You are Doing? Click "Yes"
• Click "OK"
• Enter any 7-Digit Number Evenly Divisible by 13 to Continue...
• (Accepted.) Press any key to finish, or any other key to quit.
• Your mouse has moved. Please reboot for change to take effect.

      64-Bit
Operating System

Windows: A 64-bit revamping of a 32-bit extension
and graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating
system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor written
by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

If Microsoft made Automobiles
 to Windows' Specifications

The vehicle would only run on Microsoft brand fuel. However, only Microsoft gas stations would be allowed to sell that fuel. Features in Microsoft cars would generate great excitement from those that did not know, or had forgotten, that such features had been in other automobiles for years previously. You would be constantly pressured to trade in your vehicle. Accessories would only be made for the newer vehicle and not work on your present one. For absolutely no reason, your car would crash twice a day. You could only have a limited number of people in the car at one time unless you bought Auto XP, or Vehicle Vista; then you'd have to add more seats on your own. If you use the vehicle for commercial purposes, you would have to pay the purchase price of the car again -- once for each passenger. New seats would require all riders to have the same size buttocks. Every time the traffic lanes on the road were repainted, you would be forced to purchase a new car. Occasionally your car would fail on the highway due to an unknown cause. You would have to park on the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, then reopen the windows before you could proceed. For some reason, you would simply accept this. You'd have to press a "Start" button to turn the engine off. While sometimes executing a manoeuvre such as a U-turn, your car would shut down and refuse to restart. To fix it, you would have to reinstall the engine. The car's cell phone could properly connect only to The Microsoft Cellular Network. Trying a competing phone company would introduce bugs and interference. The Apple Automobile Manufacturing Company would make a car that was powered by solar cells, was reliable, was five times faster and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. Gauges and Indicator lights for the electrical system, oil pressure, and water temperature would all be replaced by a solitary General Protection Fault warning light which would give no clue as to what was wrong. The airbag system would ask Are You Sure? before deploying. Whenever a head or tail light burned out, you could only get a new one from Microsoft Electric because no other lamp manufacturer's product would fit, nor would they be allowed to make compatible replacements. If rogue companies started to make illegal, but compatible replacements, Microsoft would change the sockets and lamp voltages to thwart this. Of course, this would also make their own products incompatible, and thus obsolete, forcing owners to upgrade at their own cost. Occasionally, for no cause at all, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio aerial. Every time Microsoft introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car, or be in the same location. The old controls could not be installed in the new car, nor could the new ones be placed into the old positions. Whenever a repair would be needed, service techs would take out all the parts, remove any modifications you had made, and reinstall the parts again. This would always fix the problem, but for some reason, only for a few months. Again, you would except this without question. If you took Microsoft cars on main highways, rust would be more likely to attack than with other manufacturers' vehicles. A new rust preventative would have to be purchased every few months if you were to travel extensively outside your own neighbourhood. Usage of these preventive products could not be avoided. Whenever leaving the vehicle, you would be forced to answer the same several questions each time. If you exited without answering them, the next time you tried to drive your car, it would make you wait while it went through a long series of checks.

If Microsoft Owned Television

In order to view your new MS-TV television, you'd have to register it and receive an operating key. If there is to be more than one viewer, each person would have to register. The newer MS-TV Vista models would have different connectors so that you'd have to buy new Microsoft-compatible video components. Smart consumers that tried to get around this by soldering on matching connectors would find that the format had also changed, and their non-MS players would not work with the MS-TV DVD or BlueScreen discs, or with MS-TV models. From time to time, Microsoft would change the broadcast signal type so that only its newest models could receive anything. Whenever you changed channels, a screen would prompt: "Accept or Deny?". Your present remote would not work with the new MS-TV Vista or TV-7 models, nor would your present VCRs and DVD players. Your new Vista and TV-7 remotes would not work with the old MS-TV model, nor would your new Vista and TV-7 VCRs and new video players. You'd have to buy the newer models. Universal remotes would not work with MS-TV models because Microsoft would proclaim itself as the new universe. However, when everyone adopted it, Microsoft would change to yet a newer universe with a Big Bang announcement. The MS-TV program guide would only be accurate for Microsoft channels. Program listings for the competitors would be incorrect. The MS-TV television models would show MS channels perfectly clearly. However, upon viewing competitors' channels, images would be fuzzy and prone to glitches. Whenever you would watch a competitor's network, some of the commercials would be substituted with Microsoft ones, and during the shows, pop-up ads would urge you to watch MS-TV Network to eliminate this annoyance. To remove competition completely, eventually the channel Indicator on MS-TV television sets would be replaced with one showing only Microsoft stations. For some unknown reason, people would not question the missing numbers. Trackers built into the MS-TV television would report to Microsoft whatever you watched, including video tapes and discs. Extra ads would pop up whenever you were found to be watching Linux Television. Whenever you left the room, MS-TV sensors would follow you around your home to see what competitors' products you owned, as well as to be sure you didn't have bootleg MS products. Viewing competitors' networks too often would cause the screen to turn blue. Whenever the remote control battery reached the end of its life, you'd have to get the circuit board reinstalled -- only at Microsoft-approved repair centres, of course.

      A WINDOWS POEM

    Here is the transcript of a live-audience reading by
comedian Les Barker. It was likely performed in The
United Kingdom. Please be aware that a few words may not be
accurate because it was hard to make out the dialogue at times.
Afterward is a YouTube audio link to one of Les' performances.

I bought a computer.
It cost a thousand pound,
But every time I switch it on,
It keeps on falling down.


I used to think it was my friend,
But now it drives me 'round the bend.
You'd be surprised the time I spend:
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


I switch it on -- What is this?
Something wrong with CONFIG SYS.
This isn't my idea of bliss:
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


I want to share my printers and
I want to share my files.
I want to share my anger
'Cause it drives me blooming wild!


My songs, they say, can be sublime;
I've conquered cadence, mastered rhyme.
But now-a-days I spend my time:
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


Reinstall -- oh what fun!
It says it helps you get things done.
Every day now, everyone's
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


Look again. It will say
All you do is plug and play.
How do I spend every day?
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


It can't find my printer and
It can't locate my mouse.
The other day it drove me
Right out of the house.


Still unplugged, still unplayed,
I e-mailed God in search of aid.
He's far to busy, I'm afraid...
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


Up at dawn for one more try;
Does it work? -- Can pigs fly?
How do I expect to die?
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.


I used to like a drink or three.
No time now, don't call for me.
I'm going to spend eternity
REINSTALLING WINDOWS.

    Reinstalling Windoze

One Liners and More

First Usage
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows...
but I am trying!

LONGJOHN Operating System
You can't leave the fly open because
it's a security hole for viruses.

Windoze:
The colourful clown suit for DOS.

The Newest Screen-Saver:
Curtains for Windows

Attention Span
A Computer System's Attention Span
is Only as Long as its Power Cord.

An Acronym
Did you know that "Windows" is actually an acronym?
Few realise that it should be shown as:
W.I.N.D.O.W.S.

It stands for:
Windows Is Not DOS -- Only Works Sometimes

Prompts
Canadian DOS Prompt:  C:\ Eh? >
American DOS Prompt:  C:\ Huh? >

An Abbreviation
For what does "MS-DOS" stand?
Microsoft Disc-Continued Operating System

A Current Linux user says:
I miss Windows...
but my Aim is Improving!

OS/2
Microsoft gave you Windows --
OS/2 gave you the Whole House.

Windows Error Message:
Windows has Encountered an Error.
Press the FU Key.

Windows Vista:
Insert Wallet into Drive D;
Press any Key to Empty.

Linux:
Opens Windows,
Shuts Gates.

Floppy Drive Woes
It said: "Insert Disk 3",
but only two would fit.

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